Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Tangled up and blue

My head is spinning, too many jumbled thoughts.....

I've been waking up in the middle of the night--my mind races.

I think about my aging parents, the brevity of life. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? My nearly 50 year old body has aches here and there..... I have a tender spot on my breast that I'm getting checked out this afternoon. My gut is in knots. My mom is moving this weekend. I work full-time. My head is starting to spin again. Do you feel like that? Like your time is spread so thin that you don't feel like you're doing anything. The thought keep coming fast and furious and you just can't turn your mind off....or hit the pause button.....

Lately when I try to do art, I'm stuck (again). What do I have to say?

I look around my studio and look around at all the books, magazines, art supplies that I HAD to have. Those very things that I thought would be "a piece of the puzzle" have now become a burden. What should I use... the zillions of pencils, pastels--both oil and soft, charcoal, acrylics, watercolors, plaster, casein, mica, beads, wire, foil, papermaking supplies, paper casting, calligraphy supplies (oy vay)..... I'm suffocating in my art supplies. What I thought was going to be a help is actually hindering. Too many choices.... I can't breathe so I turn around and leave my studio. What the? I've decided it's time to thin the herd. Books and magazines I haven't cracked open in a while are going away. The art supplies I haven't used in a while...are going away......have I said this before?....didn't I just do this? Maybe this is all part the process of focusing my attention...narrowing my interests. I admire artists that find their medium and style and you know right away who did it. Once at an art fair someone came into my booth and asked how many artists work was hanging there.(!) I knew then I was in a bit of trouble. There are so many things I like experimenting with, but haven't settled on anything that's really me.
Maybe that's what this inner turmoil is all about.

3 comments:

joanne said...

yes, i can so relate to the question you ask...why am i here...i have this sense of urgency about time, like i'm supposed to be doing something i'm not...and i can relate to aging parents too...

and oh my, yes, i do relate to your struggle with feeling like you are all over the place in art ...i have so often felt the same way you do when i click on the gallery of others and see a distinct style...and then there's me...making jewelry... painting... doodling... photography ... using pastels... always something new to try... always that itch to do something else... it's something different all the time...

and then ...

it finally occurred to me that IS my style... not only in art but it is also a reflection of my life as well ... many interests, always wanting to learn something new ... like a butterfly so happy to drink from this flower and that flower and then this one over there... it is part of what is essentially me ... and i've finally come to accept that rather than judge it ... and i am even learning to love it :) ...

i do hope that your doctor visit turns up nothing wrong, and that you find once again that spot inside yourself to rest and gain some release from the stress, to pause, sit in the silence, and just breathe...

i am keeping you close in my thoughts and heart and prayer...

xo

Ruth Armitage said...

I think many women feel this way at our age. Aging body, aging parents, it is natural to feel like you are fragmented in too many directions. Follow your instincts and be persistent. I'm thinking of you during this stressful time!

jgr said...

Yes, I can relate to all of that. How I felt when Mom got sick and then when Dad fell. How my studio is such a haven for me unless I get fragmented. I decided some years ago to limit myself to paper art; (for now.)
I tried polymer clay and loved it too much Ha!
I will try fabric. . . someday. My first love was rubber stamps and making cards. I always return there for 'sanity'. Of course journaling, too.

-I'm keeping you in my prayers.