waiting and waiting

Yesterday I went for a breast thermography. I found a facility that does these not far from where I live. After reading....and hearing about mammograms, I decided to switch to thermography. I won't get the results for a few days....hmmm....more waiting....humpf!

Sounds like a good time to pour into my art journal, too many emotions whirling around, spinning almost out of control.

We were supposed to get a bit of a snow storm yesterday. It passed us by with only a dusting. Grateful am I! Usually I love winter, but somehow this winter has me in a deep funk. Gray skies, deep freeze....

.....dreaming of spring!

Tangled up and blue

My head is spinning, too many jumbled thoughts.....

I've been waking up in the middle of the night--my mind races.

I think about my aging parents, the brevity of life. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? My nearly 50 year old body has aches here and there..... I have a tender spot on my breast that I'm getting checked out this afternoon. My gut is in knots. My mom is moving this weekend. I work full-time. My head is starting to spin again. Do you feel like that? Like your time is spread so thin that you don't feel like you're doing anything. The thought keep coming fast and furious and you just can't turn your mind off....or hit the pause button.....

Lately when I try to do art, I'm stuck (again). What do I have to say?

I look around my studio and look around at all the books, magazines, art supplies that I HAD to have. Those very things that I thought would be "a piece of the puzzle" have now become a burden. What should I use... the zillions of pencils, pastels--both oil and soft, charcoal, acrylics, watercolors, plaster, casein, mica, beads, wire, foil, papermaking supplies, paper casting, calligraphy supplies (oy vay)..... I'm suffocating in my art supplies. What I thought was going to be a help is actually hindering. Too many choices.... I can't breathe so I turn around and leave my studio. What the? I've decided it's time to thin the herd. Books and magazines I haven't cracked open in a while are going away. The art supplies I haven't used in a while...are going away......have I said this before?....didn't I just do this? Maybe this is all part the process of focusing my attention...narrowing my interests. I admire artists that find their medium and style and you know right away who did it. Once at an art fair someone came into my booth and asked how many artists work was hanging there.(!) I knew then I was in a bit of trouble. There are so many things I like experimenting with, but haven't settled on anything that's really me.
Maybe that's what this inner turmoil is all about.

This n that

I'll start with some good news. Yesterday my dad had his first chemo treatment. It went very well, the bone scan he had last week was clear of cancer in his bones. I'm grateful. He was a little woosy today, but felt good. He'll be getting another treatment in 3 weeks. I sure hope it shrinks the cancer.

My girls were a smidge unhappy with the vacuum cleaner today. Happy to be in the cage, but not so happy to be woken up from a nap.


A couple of months ago I made these plaster leaves. My intention was to finish them for the new year......"turning over a new leaf".....hmmm......I guess old habits are hard to break. So much for my new year's resolutions. They aren't quite finished as I'd like to write a word or phrase on these. It needs to percolate a while longer. I know myself too well, if I try to rush something, I wreck it.

I've also been working on copper foil--embossing, debossing and then giving it a surface treatment. Then they get mounted on a tumbled marble tile. I was able to get them into 2 galleries up in Door County (the little finger of Wisconsin). I've got to be ready by the end of April. One gallery invited me to do a solo show....pretty darn exciting. It'll last 5 weeks. Hopefully the economy will pick up. We'll see what this stimulus package does for the country.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

XOX

XOX to you........I thank you for your words and prayers and kind thoughts. Isn't this a cool heart? This talented lady made a slew of these little beauties. I like how it fits in my hand, feel the texture with my fingers. I have it on a shelf where I can see it and it reminds me to send out love....phone calls, emails, blog entries, lunch with a friend, prayers. I might give it away someday, but right now I need it.
Please pray for my dad today, he starts his first chemo treatment mid morning.

Weekend with Dad

Nina suggested that I take my camera and take pictures of my dad's hands, feet, etc. Although it felt like I was snapping tons of pics, I really didn't. We had a very nice visit with him.

oh, those hard working hands.....

See there, on the side of his jaw. That's one big cancerous mass in a saliva gland. No surgery or radiation for dad. His chemo starts on Thursday. Please keep him in your prayers.

Update on my dad

waiting.....i hate waiting. These past few days have been torture waiting for test results. Today my dad was told that the source of his cancer is in his lungs---5 spots, there are lymph nodes that are cancerous and his prostate has high levels as well. They won't do surgery on his jaw. He will be starting chemo next Thursday. I am filled with a rush of emotion that hits me like a wave. I am finding that the past hurts are in the shadows now. Love is more fierce than anything that happened in the past. I don't know how much time we will have together. Paul and I are going up to see him this weekend. Please pray that he would make his peace with God, and that he wouldn't be in pain as this progresses.

Taking it further

Usually by now, I would've scrapped this painting. I much more into instant gratification. However, this painting has been teaching me to have patience and look a little deeper, take breaks and have a look-see later. Joanne and I have been conversing about this painting. Those conversations have been helping me to dig deeper and open my heart to some powerful and scary emotions. Which when I am open to learning, they don't seem that scary after all.

So....this past painting session has revealed a staircase. If she chooses to go that route, where does it lead? Deeper into her heart? Into another chamber? Will she meet anyone along the way? I think there may be more for her to do before she enters daylight. Still no face. Joanne's suggestion that we all wear different faces depending on the situation, work, home, formality, intimacy, for others, for ourselves or maybe she doesn't know who she is, which could be why she is in this place. At this point she is only taking along what she absolutely needs.....a candle....light...and she travels alone.
We'll see where the next session takes us......

10 things....

An invitation from Joanne-to post 10 things about myself.

1-I would knock you down if you got between me and my dark chocolate---nothing personal.
2-I almost always wear a smile and enjoy making people laugh.
3-I love books, I have STACKS that I haven't read yet. (perhaps I have mentioned Paul confronting me about that.....bless his heart.....it's hasn't stopped me ;~D )
4-I've been married for almost 21 years to a great guy who encourages me to no end.
5-I'm a perfectionist--trying to get over that. It's a horrible trait. It makes me miserable (not to mention those around me)
6-I have an arsenal of sappy romantic comedies that I watch over and over over and ov......
7-I am turning 50 in June, going boldly, I will. None of this calling myself old-crap. No siree bob.
8-I LOVE short hair, after it's dry I put on Aquage Transforming Paste and off I go....
9-I can't watch Old Yeller, Bambi, I can't even listen to the Lassie song [remember that sad-sad whistling?]...anything where something bad happens to animals....somewhere along the line I will start sobbing.
10-Self-confidence is not one of my strong suits. I am a bundle of insecurities.

Might be finished....

I spent time off and on painting over the weekend. I still can't decided if she needs a face or not.
I think I pulled off the scary basement look, a tunnel appeared. She's got to have a way out of denial. I guess I will put this up where I can spend a little more time looking at it and see if anything else nudges me.